Love Love Love ? Life is Mysterious

One thing we have learned about love so far is those who fall in love most readily are those with a history of insecure attachment.? We now know that it is the insecure rather than the confident who fall in love most readily. Research concludes men fall faster than women in love.? Who ever said sex had anything to do with it?? As winter thaws, so too do icicles on cold hearts.? For with spring, the sap rises ? and resistance to love wanes and though the flame will burn more of us than it warms, we will return to the fire ? over and over again.? Indeed, love holds central in everybody's everyday.? We spend years, sometimes lifetimes pursuing it, preparing for it, longing for it.? Some of us even die for love. Still, only poets and songwriters, philosophers and playwrights have traditionally been granted license to sift this hallowed preserve.? The word so far is ? little we were sure of is proving to be true.? Love is important to the human experience.? Some people are afraid that if they look too close they will lose the magic.? Others believe we know all that we need to know.? People in American culture dissolve unions when love disappears, which has a lasting effect on society.

What Is Love?? If there is anything that we have learned about love it is its variegated nature.? No one volume or theory or research program can confine love and change it into a controlled bit of knowledge.? Instead, scholars are tackling specific questions about love in the hopes of nailing down a few facets at a time. The expectation is that every finding will be a building block in the base of knowledge, elevating understanding.

The theory of emotion says any emotional state requires two conditions; both physiological arousal and relevant situational cues.? Could the theory help to explain the turbulent, all-consuming experience of passionate love? Passionate love is a state of intense longing for union with another.? The thoughts and feelings of passionate love are distinctive emotional state.? To be passionately in love is to be preoccupied with thoughts of your partner much of the time.? Also, you likely idealize your partner. So those of you who are passionately in love would, for example, give "I yearn to know all about" a score somewhere between "moderately true" and "definitely true" on the passionate love scale.? You find trying to determine the other's feelings, trying to please lover, or making up excuses to be close to your love are hallmarks of passionate or erotic love.? Passionate lovers experience a roller coaster of feelings of euphoria, happiness, calm, tranquility, vulnerability, anxiety, panic and despair.? Passionate love is kindled by a sprinkle of hope and a large dollop of loneliness, mourning, jealousy, and terror.? It is, in other words, fueled by a juxtaposition of pain and pleasure; kind of to be bittersweet.? The romantic relationships proved so painful that they hope never to love again.? Contrary to myths that hold women responsible for romance, both males and females love with equal passion but men fall in love faster.? They are more romantic.? Women are more apt to mix pragmatic concerns with their passion.? People of all ages, even four-year-old children, are capable of falling passionately in love.? The romantic love is not simply a product of the Western mind.? It exists among diverse cultures worldwide.? The passionate love is an evolutionary adaptation.? In this scheme, passionate love works as a bonding mechanism, a necessary kind of interpersonal glue that has existed since the start of the human race. It assures that procreation will take place and the human species will be perpetuated.? The romantic love is a cultural invention.? It consists of a learned set of behaviors; the phenomenon is culturally transmitted from one generation to the next by stories, imitation, and direct instruction.? It evolved with culture.

Regardless whether passionate or romantic love is universal or unique to us, there is considerable evidence that what renders people particularly vulnerable to it is anxiety.? It whips up the wherewithal to love and anxiety is not alone; in fact, there are a number of predictable precursors to love.? Emotions such as fear, which produces anxiety, can amplify attraction.? It is a combustible mix of excitement and anxiety that prompt men to become interested.? The precursors to love are; if you have a lot in common with or live and work close to someone you find attractive, your chances of falling in love are good.? Other factors that are good predictors include being liked by the other, a partner's positive social status, a partner's ability to fill your needs, your readiness for entering a relationship, your isolation from others, mystery, and exciting surroundings or circumstances. Then there are specific cues, like hair color, eye expression, and face shape.?? The desirable characteristics such as good looks and personality make the top of the list and then proximity, readiness to develop a relationship, exciting surroundings and circumstances rank close behind.? The big surprise is reciprocity.? Love is at heart a two-way event.? The perception of being liked is ranked as high as the presence of desirable characteristics in the partner.? The combination of the two appears to be very important.? In fact, love just may not be possible without it.? Men and women consider reciprocal liking, personality, and physical appearance is especially important. A partner's social status and the approval of family and friends are way down the fist.? The cross-cultural validation of predisposing influences suggests that reciprocal liking, desirable personality and physical features may be universal elements of love, among the sine qua non of love, part of its heart and soul.

Elements such as trust, caring, respect, honesty, devotion, sacrifice, and contentment are deemed attributes of both love and commitment.? But such other factors as intimacy, happiness, and a desire to be with the other are proved unique to love, commitment alone demanded perseverance, mutual agreement, obligation, and even a feeling of being trapped.? Others consider caring, trust, respect, and honesty are central to love ? while passion-related events like touching, sexual passion, and physical attraction are only peripheral.? They are not very central to concept of love.

Both men and women put forth friendship as primary to love.? More so than women, men tend to rate erotic, romantic love closer to their personal conception of love.? In essence, the core meaning of love differs little between genders.? Both genders deem romance and passion far less important than support and warm fuzzes. As even Nadine Crenshaw, creator of steamy romance novels, has remarked, love gets you to the bathroom when you're sick.

Since the intangible essence of love cannot be measured directly we can observe behavior of lovers.? Being supportive and providing encouragement are important behaviors to all love relationships ? whether with a friend or mate; self-disclosure or talking about personal matters and a sense of agreement on important topics.? Two categories of behaviors stand out as unique to romantic relationships.? Lovers express feelings of love verbally; they talk about how they enjoy being together, how they miss one another when apart, and other such murmurings.? They also showed their affection through physical acts like hugging and kissing.? Further elaborating on the verbal and physical demonstrations of love and what constitutes a romantic act: taking walks together and for women, sending or receiving flowers and kissing comes first, and then candle-lit dinners and cuddling and outright declaration of "I love you" comes last.? So the florists were right all along; say it with flowers instead.? For men, kissing and candle-lit dinners are second and third options.? If women preferred demonstrations of love to outright declarations of it, men did even more so; hearing and saying 'I love you', slow dancing or giving or receiving surprise gifts, although all three are on the women's top-ten list.? Men also like holding hands, making love and sitting by the fireplace.? For both of them love is more tender than most of us imagine.? Lovers consistently engage in a specific array of actions.? I see these items show up over and over and over again and may very well be the bedrock behaviors of romantic love.

It is not that once in love we all behave alike.? We do not. Each of us has a set of attitudes toward love that colors what we do.? While yours need not match your mate's, you best understand your partner's approach. It underlies how your partner is likely to treat you.? There are six basic orientations towards love, which contain statements projecting attitudes to their own personal relationships.

The Love Attitude Scale measures six styles of love:

1.? Passionate love.

2.? Game-playing love.

3.? Storge or friendship love.

4.? Pragma or practical love.

5.? Mania or possessive and dependent love.

6.? Agape or altruistic love.

We may embody more than one of these styles. We are also likely to change style with time and circumstance.

Passionate lover are passionate and quick to get involved, setting store on physical attraction and sexual satisfaction. Yet, they may find themselves happy as a Storge lover, valuing friendship-based love, preferring a secure, trusting relationship with a partner of like values.

There are Ludus lovers or game-players who like to have several partners at one time. Their partners may be very different from one another, as Ludus does not act on romantic ideals.

Mania-type lovers, by contrast, experience great emotional highs and lows. They are very possessive and often jealous. They spend a lot of their time doubting their partner's sincerity.

Pragma lovers are, well, pragmatic. They get involved only with the "right" guy or gal ? someone who fills their needs or meets other specifications. This group is happy to trade drama and excitement for a partner they can build a life with.

Agape or altruistic lovers form relationships because of what they may be able to give to their partner. Even sex is not an urgent concern of theirs. Agape functions on a more spiritual level..

There is some gender difference among love styles.? In general, men are more ludic, or game-playing.? Women tend to be more storgic, more pragmatic ? and more manic.? However, men and women seem to be equally passionate and altruistic in their relationships.? On the whole, the sexes are more similar than different in style.

At least one personality trait is strongly correlated to love style.? People with high self-esteem are more apt to endorse passionate love, but less likely to endorse possessiveness or jealousy.? This fits with the image of a secure, confident passionate lover who moves intensely but with mutuality into a new relationship.? A substantial amount of passionate love and a low dose of game-playing love is key to the development of satisfying relationships ? at least among the college students.

The love style we embrace, how we treat our partner, may reflect the very first human relationship we ever had-probably with Mom.? The rhythms of response by a child's primary caregiver affect the development of personality and influence later attachment processes, including adult love relationships.? There are three major patterns of attachment that we all develop within the first year of life and stick with us for life, all the while reflecting the responsiveness of the caregiver to our needs as helpless infants.

Those whose mothers or caregivers, were unavailable or unresponsive may grow up to be detached and nonresponsive to others. Their behavior is avoidant in relationships. A second group takes a more anxious-ambivalent approach to relationships, a response set in motion by having mothers they may not have been able to count on ? sometimes responsive, other times not. The lucky among us are secure in attachment, trusting and stable in relationships, probably the result of having had consistently responsive care.

While attachment theory is now driving a great deal of research on children's social, emotional, and cognitive development the possible effect of childhood relationships on adult attachments.? The three attachment styles:? Secure, Avoidant and Ambivalent.? The adult attachment patterns predictably reflect the relationship they report with their parents.

Secure people generally have parents who are warm and supportive.? Secure people report happy and long-lasting relationships.? Secure adults are more trusting of their romantic partners and more confident of a partner's love.

Avoidant people indicate an aversion to intimacy.

The anxious-ambivalent are characterized by dependency and an hunger for commitment.? Their approach resembles the mania style of love.

Each of the three groups differs in early childhood experience that could account for their adult approach to relationships.? Avoidant, for example, were most likely to have separations from their mother.? The world's greatest love affairs are conducted by the anxious-ambivalent ? people desperately searching for a kind of security they never had.

Not quite two decades into the look at love, it appears as though love will not always mystify us.? For already we are beginning to define what we think about it, how it makes us feel, and what we do when we are in love.? We now know that it is the insecure, rather than the confident, who fall in love more readily.? We know that outside stimuli that alter our emotional state can affect our susceptibility to romance; it is not just the person.? We now know that to a certain extent your love style is set by the parenting you received and, oh yes, men are more quickly romantic than women.

The best news may well be that when it comes to love; men and women are more similar than different.? In the face of continuing gender wars, it is comforting to think that men and women share an important, and peaceful, spot of turf.? It is also clear that no matter how hard we look at love, we will always be amazed and mesmerized by it.

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Source: http://dranilj1.wordpress.com/2012/10/14/love-love-love/

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